Why do you seek the living among the dead?
Luke 24:5

To whom am I not a toxin to?
Inhale me once and you’re a little lightheaded
A couple more times and you’re long gone
But the minute you take me in–too much at once, or compounding totals of my character–
I’ll knock you clean out.

My new sounds:

I’m not much of a fan of the idea of having meet people at college. I’ve spent four years around the same group of people and I still don’t feel comfortable being myself around them. I’ve spent half of my time in high school (both positively and negatively) focussing on a girl. I’m not ready to move on to the real world. I’m not sure if I want to leave. Sometimes it seems like false security is the only security I have.

One of the few pictures I’ve gotten to see of my grandparents together. I don’t see him smile much anymore. I loved it when mom showed me this.

One of the few pictures I’ve gotten to see of my grandparents together. I don’t see him smile much anymore. I loved it when mom showed me this.

Sometimes I wonder how soon it’ll come.

I wonder what it’ll be like to be with somebody–not somebody who wants me but with somebody who wants nothing less than glorifying Christ.
I wonder what it’ll be like to be with somebody who doesn’t need me to be great looking, well-kept 24/7, on my guard, or deceiving. I won’t need to front about who I am.
I wonder what you’ll be like in five years and I wonder if I’ll look back on how I feel right now and think to myself, “I really missed out,” or if I’ll think, “Good thing I took a risk.”
Sometimes I wonder if I’m trying so hard to find God’s will–I know, I only need the next step–that I hold onto things too long. I hold on to feelings and ideas and Maryville and you for too long. I wonder if I make our futures come together in my head and see it all falling into place. If only you knew the things I’ve said and thought to myself about you and the beautiful things I see taking place in your life; if only you had seen the way I admired you from afar, not romantically, but as a person. As a human being.

I wonder if you’ve thought anything of me like I’ve thought of you.

Sometimes I wonder.

I don’t post on here much anymore.

Senior year has been strange. Very strange.

Around this time last year, I was overhearing wedding planning and about to perform How to Succeed with a unified, fun cast. I felt included. I seemed like I was in a good place. I felt happy.

After a whirlwind of a year, it seems as if I’m not as happy as I was. When it comes to joy, I am abundantly more joyful—happiness not so much.

There are all sorts of ways I could feel sorry for myself: feeling isolated, losing friends, being overlooked, being put second on the priority list. Sometimes it feels pretty sucky, to be frank. It can be pretty discouraging to be trying my hardest to pursue after God and to still end up finishing last, not getting the attention I feel like I should be, failing to impress, or disappointing people.

A while back I did a pretty expedited read-through of Job, and I can’t help but think, “How did Job feel?” If you’ve been in church long, you’ve probably heard Job referenced during teaching about times of trial (poor guy, imagine being remembered for your poor reaction to God doing things in your life), so this may not seem that fresh.

I remember Job 5:18.

For he wounds, but he binds up;
he shatters, but his hands heal.

Job 5:18 (ESV)

Who am I to question the discipline of the Lord? Even if I did have a complaint—even a rightful one—on what authority would I be complaining on? Mine—the authority of a depraved, sinful man?

2 Corinthians 4 has become one of those “life chapters” for me, and in particular verses 16, 17, and 18.

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV)

So maybe I’m a little selfish sometimes. Job and Paul remind me not to be. Something greater is coming. Despite the lost friends, that one person I cannot get out of my head, the writer’s block musically and spiritually, the temptation to get offended by being overlooked or not recognized, I know this: an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison will one day be mine through the riches of knowing Christ Jesus as the Savior of the world.

Amen.

My Heart and My Church

As most of you know, I am planning to go into youth ministry.
The past couple months I have spent debating on whether or not I should search for an opportunity outside of my home church: maybe an internship or an assistant youth position at a larger church.
I have come to the conclusion that I simply don’t want it yet.
I love where I am, and not just because I enjoy it. I think God’s been waiting on me to get out of our youth program so he can use me as a leader. I’ve been planning some small things to do with some of the guys coming up and it’s been a wonderful experience. I’m so excited for the things that are coming up. I can’t wait to invest time into these guys and watch them grow in Christ.
So my heart is right where it belongs at FBA. The opportunities I have been given are huge. I can’t wait to see what we can all do when we work together.

My brother and his wife are moving back to Knoxville and I’m so excited I almost feel silly.
I anticipate being able to see them a lot more frequently already, in hopes that I can help get a lot closer to both of them.
God is great.

You know what, man? Sometimes you just feel awful. Sometimes you just want a little bit of encouragement. It doesn’t matter what situation it pertains to, but you just want something.
Sometimes you just want to know that someone had you on their mind. It could be a text, a phone call, a retweet. Anything. It doesn’t matter if it is forced.
Discouragement, man.

You can’t, except in the lowest animal sense, be in love with a girl if you know (and keep on remembering) that all the beauties both of her person and of her character are a momentary and accidental pattern produced by the collision of atoms, and that your own response to them is only a sort of psychic phosphorescence arising from the behavior of your genes. You can’t go on getting very serious pleasure from music if you know and remember that its air of significance is a pure illusion, that you like it only because your nervous system is irrationally conditioned to like it.
C.S. Lewis (via imdyingofthirstblog)

New pedal day. Wildfire.

nevver:

Where you feel it


Shame looks like Spider-Man

nevver:

Where you feel it

Shame looks like Spider-Man

(via pleasureofimperfection)

Emotionally exhausted.

Surviving

I know I’ve been pretty dull and down on this blog lately, so let me update you guys.

Work and school is pretty overwhelming.
I also feel like I am nurturing a bunch of relationships, but they keep on just withering away. It’s pretty frustrating for me, to be honest.

I’ve been given huge opportunities by God, though, and that’s exciting. Just gotta remember to stay focused on Him.

i'm a canvas being painted and stained by high school.

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